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Jokes |
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A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the
man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the
bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a
stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the
outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest
baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough,"
says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious.
"Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the
street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said
'DiMaggio'?"
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Driving to work, a gentlman
had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen
stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large
upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to
have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
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Health care costs are rising
uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise
just to pay for them.
In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases
they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In
fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.
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There were three Aggies; one
crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the
end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The
climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide
promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the
pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on
several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure
the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need
to know how tall the poles are, not how long".
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Twenty-one reasons why
English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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A policeman pulls a man over
for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over
he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you
been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" |
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A local policeman had just
finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the
force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery
acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off." |
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OCR - Optical Character
Recognition
A technology that can take written words and convert them back into
computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the
correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on
the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the
1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s
that come out like ;'s. |
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One of Microsoft's finest
technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was
given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the
target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had
completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the
rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of
the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of
his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's
leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
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If a communist has two cows,
he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the
milk.
If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the
government gives him some of the milk.
If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.
If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.
If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws
away the milk.
If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one
cow and gives it to the poor.
If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look
at them.
If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.
If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.
If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.
If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.
If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.
If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even
label them as cows.
If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone
two cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.
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